During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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