I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
