the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
