I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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