I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
