If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
