In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
