this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
