I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
