Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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