She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
