I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
