1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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