The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
