hotel room ftw
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
3 2 1 whiskey
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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