he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
