I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
