I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
