i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
