There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
