I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
