my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
