You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
