i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
