whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
