Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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