They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
