She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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