Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
