It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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