Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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