oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
