In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
