My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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