tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
