I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
