He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
