Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
