If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
