Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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