i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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