Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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