Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
