listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
babies were throwing up all over the place
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
