Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
