Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's like a pop up book from hell.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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