Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
