Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
