I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
