My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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