just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
