FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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