You smell like a Billy Joel song
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
