How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
