Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I love having hate sex.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
