I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize