Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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