he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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