There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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