I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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