She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
