thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
