So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
